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I am often asked for tips on how to run successful family meetings. Questions often focus on logistical matters: choosing the right place; selecting appropriate attendees; building the most effective agenda; and finding the best time. While these are all important things, not surprisingly, the questions often ignore the critical and most challenging element: how to manage the conversation itself.
You know what family is: even the most thoughtful among us can say things we later regret, or hear things more deeply than they should.
In families, the hardest conversations are often not about what is said; instead, it’s about the layers that lie behind and beneath what’s being said — unspoken expectations, old frustrations, unresolved emotions, resentments that have grown and fermented over decades. Sometimes, if we are lucky, there is an underlying feeling hiding behind the failure. In short, as Faulkner wrote Requiem for a nun: “The past is never dead. It is not even past.”
Over the years, I have tried to help families follow three rules that I believe provide hope for driving not only more successful formal family meetings, but more productive daily family interactions as well. I try to apply this in my life within my own family and in my professional life as well. Because I suffer from the literal fatal flaw that we all have — I’m Human — I’m not always successful. But when I was able to follow these rules, I saw that I benefited a lot.
Here are three rules I suggest families follow.
1. Take a Beat
Viewers of that amazing TV police procedural Blue Lights about three probationary officers in the Police Service of Northern Ireland and the senior officers who train them will instantly recognize that line as Gerry Cliff’s guiding mantra. (And by the way, if you haven’t seen the show, you should — it’s amazing. You’ll thank me later.) It’s a deceptively simple rule, and it has application not only in managing conversations but in all of life: before answering, before acting, take a beat.
When a family member says something that wakes us up, our body reacts before our brain has a chance to interpret. Our pulse races, our breath quickens, our mind goes into war mode. That’s human evolutionary biology at work: fight or flight; firing in the amygdala before the prefrontal cortex starts.
Taking a beat interrupts that reflex. This gives the rational, empathetic side of our mind time to catch up with the emotional side. It provides a space where we can move from reaction to reflection.
The pause doesn’t have to be long. It can be as short as a breath – or a simple, “Let me think about that for a moment.” In that small space, order was restored; move from the drift of emotion and biology to the realm of intentionality and rational thought.
And that one act – choosing with purpose – has the potential to change everything. It signals calm, models self-control, and creates a space where others are invited to meet us in the same place.
2. Stress Test What You Say
Before speaking, run a quick internal check by asking three powerful questions:
- Do I need to say this?
Not every statement, even if true, is helpful. It doesn’t always have to be right. Sometimes communication needs to be reduced, and that may mean not saying it at all. Ask if saying it serves the relationship – or if saying it only serves to win a debate.
- Do I have to say this now?
Timing is an important and controllable variable in communication. A true and necessary observation, given at the wrong moment, can do more harm than good. Sometimes, what needs to be said is best heard later – after settling the emotions and returning to acceptance.
- Do I have to say it this way?
The words we choose, our tone of voice, the way we walk, our body language, all determine whether our message is interpreted as guidance or judgment, empathy or condescension. The tone is healing or hardening. Choose kindness over quickness, warmth over wisdom, empathy over progress.
This three-pronged stress test can act as an incredibly effective filter. This is a way of making sure that what comes out of our mouth is in line with what we want to accomplish, which is to strengthen the relationship with the issue.
3. Stick to Yours Compass Title — Rest Is Time
Every family has its season: sudden storms, long summers, even a hurricane or two. Sometimes, warm sunny days. We can’t control family time any more than we can control nature’s time, but we can keep our compass.
Our motto is our core set of values — kindness, generosity, empathy, loyalty, consistency, respect, honesty, love. These are constants. Time — feelings, disagreements, frustrations, disappointments — are different.
When we keep the difference in mind and remind ourselves of where, we reduce the extent to which we are rejected by each gust of emotion. Our helm becomes principle, not provocation.
That doesn’t mean being passive or detached. It means staying centered even when — especially when — others aren’t at their best. This means refusing to allow temporary storms to cause permanent damage.
In practical terms, it goes like this:
- When someone raises their voice, we must lower our voice.
- If the conversation turns to accusation, try to turn it to understanding.
- When others are lost in the moment, take the long view.
Consistency builds confidence – not perfection. We can’t promise our loved ones that we’ll get it right every time; but when they know our compass points and see us driving regularly, it brings confidence and stability.
It’s All Together
These three rules work together and complement each other.
Taking a beat creates space.
Testing your words brings clarity.
Keeping your compass heading will restore balance.
Together, they shift conversations from reactive to reflective, from defensive to connective.
They teach that managing family communication isn’t about control – it’s about consistency. The truth is that families are not problems to be solved; they are the ecosystems to watch. The best they can do is learn to navigate the season with patience, grace, and a steady hand on the wheel.
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© 2025 Morgan Stanley Smith Barney LLC. Member SIPC. CRC 4999408 11/2025
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This story was originally featured on Fortune.com
